"...Hearing from real women who have been victims of domestic violence can often bring home the realism of what women go through..."

Hearing from women who have survived violence and abuse is an inspiration. Knowing you are not alone can be a real help.

Read an account from one of our previous users at ADVANCE

Can you describe the circumstances which led you to seek advice/support?

I approached ADVANCE after an informal chat with my local police inspector. He was chairing our local Ward Panel at the time, and in the early spring of 2008, there was a lengthy discussion initiated by one of the Panel members on the definition of domestic abuse. I was interested to hear that it wasn't all about physical abuse.

The inspector said that a victim experiences about 30 or so incidents of abuse on average before coming forward. I thought "golly, that's me". I contacted him and we had a chat - he was the first "official" person I'd really spoken to and I found it quite difficult. He felt that I was being subjected to bullying and harassment and called a contact at the Fulham DV department. She met with me but felt that there was nothing criminal in my former partner's behaviour to be able to do anything about it. Both of them advised me to contact Advance, which I did in Spring 2008.

Has Advance been able to help and support you?
Yes. I initially met with the solicitor who provides a free surgery from ADVANCE's premises one day a week offering legal support, but it was not what I wanted at the time. I did not feel supported by the legal system. The court case has been lengthy and is still ongoing.

I'd had to contact the police a few times re harassment, which again - because it wasn't criminal - nothing could be done. But I was advised around three times to go back to ADVANCE and I chose not to.

However not long after ADVANCE approached me! I got a call from an advocate one Friday afternoon and she was sympathetic and understanding. I felt really buoyed by it. She seemed to be very practical in her approach. We met the following week and she began speaking to Hammersmith & Fulham's Social Services on my behalf. Initially I was very uncomfortable about it, and asked her to back off, but I think that her involvement is having some positive effect.

Various issues crop up from time to time with other services that make me feel despondent and I sometimes feel criticised as a parent but the advocate reminded me that the bigger picture is about finding a way forward to keep my family together and I'm in agreement with that, so I have agreed to work with other services In any way I can. We're moving into a new phase with the long-term social services team, and I hope that Advance can continue to advocate for me.

What has changed for you since working with ADVANCE?
I hope things are starting to move in the right direction with Social Services. They're now saying that they want to know when I'm feeling uncomfortable about something, which is a very positive step.

The first core group meeting we had on June 16th went far better than the first Child Conference at the beginning of June. But I am still very wary; it's not an easy situation to manage. There are still issues to be resolved so that myself and my son can move forward from this but I have support now to do that from ADVANCE, even when it’s a bad day. I feel that ADVANCE has helped me work better with Social Services even though there is a way to go yet.

What advice would you give to other women in a similar situation?
Tricky to answer because I feel so cynical.

I think that I have been the subject of emotional abuse for a number of years, but it wasn't until I met the advocate that anyone confirmed how I'd felt. I'd been through 10 months of counselling which was very helpful on the one hand, but again, emotional abuse - whilst mentioned - wasn't tackled at all. The police see emotional abuse as a form of domestic abuse in writing, but practically find it challenging to do anything about.

Emotional abuse is such a grey area and in advising other women, I'd want to be able to give them something concrete and practical. I'd probably send them to ADVANCE and suggest they get in touch with them; they have listened to me and been amazing.

I'd also suggest counselling - which certainly helped me to understand that whilst I can't control what others do, I can control myself and can therefore believe in myself and rebuild myself to our son's benefit.

I think also - without wishing to sound flippant - it's important not to take every word said or intimated against you onboard. Don't carry it around. Try to let some of it go. I find my religious belief very helpful there, but I certainly wouldn't push it on to anyone else. I have found, though, that forgiving the other party helps me to let go of a massive amount - and by letting go, I'm free to get on with my life again.